Saturday, October 4, 2008

Men Cheating--it's apparently all our fault

Well, wasn't that easy? We just needed a CNN article and Oprah to explain the big problem with marriages today. Men cheat (according to their statistics 1 out of every 2.7 men), and it's all our fault. Who knew! According to their expert, Gary:

"It begins as an emotional relationship. There's a friendship that develops. It's not just looking for the sex," Gary says. "We all have this picture of cheaters as the bad guys. They're horrible, rotten, not nice. No, they can be nice people who get lost, who do the wrong thing -- and they can be your husband...The majority said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling underappreciated. A lack of thoughtful gestures."

That cleared it all up. It's the woman's fault.

What do you think?


Amelia said...

Sounds like an excuse, plain and simple.

Sorry, but I have a very hard time believing that cheating is anything but a choice...even if it is a one-time bad choice. Who's fault is it for making that choice? It's the cheater's fault.

Just because a man feels like he's not getting enough of what he wants from a woman doesn't make cheating okay. That's what honest communication is for.

Can't excuse the choice to cheat.

Anonymous said...

What I find most strange about this article, is how it completely ignores the fact that women cheat too! There's not a single example or mention of women cheating, even though we have to assume that at least some of the "mistresses" that the husbands have are married, too.

The fact that the man conducting this "research" could overlook the other half of this issue does not encourage me to take his findings at all seriously.

habladora said...

Yeah, like if you'd just a little more '50s housewife and made his favorite dinner more often - then he'd have felt appreciated and been faithful. Right. The thing is, if someone is trying to justify their behavior, they'll always be able to point to something their partner did or didn't do and transfer blame. It's bunk. And Noticed is dead-on - people cheat, not just men. These type of articles promote the same tired old stereotypes about men's and women's sexuality that give some people the idea that men are supposed to cheat and women are supposed to be faithful. Its going to be a temptation for just about everyone sooner or later, and no matter how infrequently your partner made you waffles, a choice is still a choice.

He'll sell his book, though - he's been on Oprah.

Another Anonymous Poster said...

This article just horrified me. It gives justification and excuses to men looking to feel better about having strayed.

In the article it also talked about how 'the other woman' was necessarily more attractive, and therefore there was no way it could be about sex.

DJ Dual Core said...

I wonder if the actual research shows measurable differences in when and why people cheat? Over the years I've found a lot of what's said about gender differences in relationships to pretty useless in terms of providing insight or promoting understanding.

My guess would be that regardless of who cheats more men, women, gay or otherwise, people cheat for the same reasons.

We are more alike than not and we mostly want the same things.

Anonymous said...

Well well well, the roasters have come back to roost I hate to says it but women are victims of there own self destruction. For years we been hearing how women issues are more import then men's, and that men are the cause of all societies' problems. American women have forced there men to cheat, just on the believe that there feeling are more important then there husbands. My recommendation is to fine a nice loving Asian women to marry. They will love and respect you more. They are very femmin polite unlike there American counterparts. What American women need to do is start putting there men on an equal footing as themselves. Women need to put the F back in feminine not feminist. But hey that's what women fought for. I hope they are enjoying there fruits of there labor.
Rest of the world

habladora said...

Damn, the rest of the world must be filled with illiterate fools. Just let me do some editing:

1. Roosters roost, not roasters.
2. World, you need to insert a period after roost.
3. You probably mean that you've heard that men are the cause of society's problems, not societies'. I say this because you seem to hate just American society in particular and you have a bit of an Asia fetish going. (Really, those racist little fantasies are generally best kept for alone-time, you wanker.)
4. Do you mean "feminine and polite"? Because "femmin" isn't a real word...
5. You mean 'the fruits of their labor.' There refers to a place which is not here. Which, coincidentally, is where sexist and racist idiots belong - somewhere other than here.

DJ Dual Core said...

Is this person saying that men are less likely to cheat on deferential, subservient women?

I can't believe there is ANY evidence to support that.

sally said...

LMAO, Habladora your corrections are hilarious. I'm trying to keep my face together at work.

Anonymous said...

Rather than correcting speech, maybe we should be concentrating on cheating in general, not just that men do it. Why do women do it? Because of the man they're with? It is easy to get upset with crap like this because whenever you separate on gender from the other, teams are formed and wagons circle. It is disheartening because you lose the real ability to communicate about it with shots fired back and forth, each trying to make the other feel badly about themselves. If we concentrated more on establishing and maintaining relationships instead of reasons to abandon them, (including evil women and evil men), we might just find that we're all humans, regardless of what is between the legs when you are born.

DJ Dual Core said...

I don't think anybody has suggested they wanted anything BUT good communication and healthy relationships.

I don't think blaming women for men's behavior promotes those things.

sally said...

whenever you separate on gender from the other, teams are formed and wagons circle

Maybe that's what some do, but not all, and certainly not this post or the other comments. The point is not to blame men for women cheating or women for men cheating, the point is to develop some sort of understanding of where to move forward from there with each person taking responsibility for the part they played.

And, seriously, there was little to do but analyze the grammar in the other comment b/c it put the "i" back in "ignorant" and "r" back in "racist" (Asian women, you're seriously going to go there?)

Anonymous said...

This is not a black and white issue. Men cheat, women cheat, they do it for different reasons. Some because they're insecure, some because they're narcissist, some bacause they're unhappy but feel they're stuck for one reason or the other. I know people who can't stand the sight of their spouse and the spouse can't stand the sight of them but stay together for the kids. Not the life I'd choose, just to say that there are different scenarios, and this article didn't cover them all. I don't condone cheating, but I do understand why some people do it.

DJ Dual Core said...

...all of which puts the "r" back in regressive and the "d" back in dismissive.


Anonymous said...

To men complaining that the article leaves out cheating women:
Things are not always what they seem. In fact, this article is meant to benefit men in the long run. The article is telling your wives to treat you better (even though you probably don't deserve it), so that you don't cheat on them. It's really a good thing for us men. For once, Oprah's show has told women: be better to your husbands.

To women: The concept of the article may be detrimental to feminist views. It may come off as saying "it's your fault, you didn't treat him good enough." However, the article doesn't say that. That's a defensive stance that a woman would take at even the slightest possibility that she is being blamed for something. In a marriage (or relationship) both the man and the woman should give and take the same amount. If your husband is not doing anything for you, don't listen to the article, and think that you need to praise him more. On the other hand, try to look at the relationship from an outside point of view. Don't compare your husband with the ideals you had of men when you were 16. Understand that we are all human beings. Thus, compare his efforts in the relationship with your efforts when you want to judge him. And keep in mind his expectations of you, when you consider your expectations. Do you expect him to bring you flowers very week? Well, when was the last time you waited for him at home, ready to give him a massage, or with dinner?

I don't want to hear anything about "women do all the work (cook, clean, kids) and the men sit on the couch and watch TV".

Please understand that it's hard to change people. Think about who you are marrying before you do so. If that's what your boyfriend does all day... trust me.. he will do the same 10 years from now. Understand who your partner is before you get in a marriage / serious relationship with them. And find out what each other's expectations are. If a man expects a woman to do all the house chores, and take care of kids, while he just watches TV... either give him the boot, or explain to him how that doesn't make any sense, and how he should rethink his viewpoint.

On the other hand, men. If your girlfriends never seem satisfied, although you are trying your heart out to make them happy, understand that they will continue to be so in marriage, probably to an even higher level.

The most important thing one should think about:

People... don't be ignorant. Try to have logical, constructive, friendly conversations with your partners. Learn how to explain your needs without being offensive. Learn how to take advice without being defensive. Most importantly think about the situation from an outside point of view. Ask yourself.. "is what I'm doing fair?" "are my expectations realistic?" "why am I dissatisfied with everything.. is it my partner, or is it personal issues?" ETC, etc.

Relationships will never be simple. and communication will alyways be the most important thing. And understand that communication does not mean fighting, yelling, accusing, or talking about the latest movie. Communication is an attempt to connect with another person and understand them and their ideas.

Anonymous said...

This is true for all parties involved regardless of gender. It does not excuse the poor choice made and cheating is a choice - but it applies equally to men and women. It is the responsibility of each party in a relationship to be responsible for their actions and choices. I'd prefer it if it were worded to apply to either party in the discussion - a person who feels undervalued and/or underappreciated - missing thoughtful gestures - will gravitate to an available emotional connection that meets those un-met needs. Extra-relationship affairs are rarely just about the sex - more often not it is about meeting needs that are not being met. A person has choices when it comes to getting their unmet needs fulfilled and an affair is only one of the choices - most people who have affairs are nice people who get lost and do the wrong thing because they do not see themselves as having choices or limit choices to the easiest, most available.



The Nerd said...

Oh come on! It's still cheating. I'm going to be honest - I've cheated. It wasn't at all about the emotional connection so much as the sex, and there was absolutely no good excuse for my actions. But having been there, I can say this is BS. People need to take responsibility for their actions and grow up.