Feminist Parenting: Parenting My Way

(Note to readers: Today, as part of what has become a regular feature on feminist parenting, we are honored to have as a guest blogger Kandee of Lots of Thinking. These are her words...)

What's the quickest way to emasculate my little boys? Apparently, it's to teach them that they're equal to girls. Nothing says loss of manhood like being equal to women. And oh, they don't have to be rough (also emasculating). Gotta love family and their unsolicited parenting advice.

Back in the day, I would have never guessed that I would be called a feminist. But from the first 'accusation', I've taken on that label with pride. So naturally I am raising my children according to my values of gender equality. Who would have thought it was such an uphill battle? Certainly not me. I was very naïve. I heard the principles of equality spread across all parts of my life like a slogan. From tv, school, work, and even my family. But what came as a surprise to me was that, similar to race, people were just paying lip service to equality. They were being politically correct. They didn't actually believe that.

And it's not only gender equality that I'm trying to reach. My parenting style is also an effort to move (my family) away from masculinity as a form of power over women. We learned that femininity was weaker. We learned that a rightful place for a man is to lead, to be aggressive, and to be strong. So what does that say for the bulk of men that will never be the ideal? That will never be physically big, mentally strong, or emotionally tough? They feel a sense of inadequacy that can easily turn into aggression, bravado, and posturing. Well, I don't want that for my boys.

Now I've had to incorporate other people's gendered views into the lessons I teach my sons. I have to watch all their tv shows, spending half the time pausing the tv to have an impromptu lesson on gender equality, which doesn't always go over well for a 6 and 4 year old. But it pays off when I'm standing in the kitchen and I hear one of them say "hey, they're not suppose say that" or "that's wrong" when it comes to MSM's understanding of masculinity and femininity.

The language I use, the toys I buy, the television shows we watch - they are all filtered through the principle of equality. Mind you, we still have Spider-man in the house, but we discuss, engage, participate with our children in hopes that they will see and hear the hetero-normative masculine-leaning sexist practices in our culture and how problematic they are.

So far, it seems to be working. Our children have become critical thinkers, they are media literate, and most importantly, they are becoming conscious of the subtle messages sent in our culture about who they are and how false that might be. The discussions force them to continue thinking about these messages through critical lenses. I can't afford to leave the gate wide open and allow others to form their opinions for them. Especially while they're so young.

Even with all of that, parenting my way is not an option I thought I would have to aggressively pursue. There's a complexity to parenting that you are rarely warned about before you have kids. Everyone tries to parent along with you, and while there are advantages to community parenting, it usually comes up after you have kids that the family you are in may not support your parenting style, especially if you're a feminist. No, I don't want your help with toughening up my boys. They're fine just as they are. If anything, my middle one needs to calm down a bit. But the fear is that I'm not preparing them for real life. Well, when they start allowing fist fights at board meetings for managers who disagree, you let me know and I'll certainly try to toughen them up then.

(Crossposted at Lots of Thinking)

The Price of Pregnancy: Health Insurance and Motherhood

[Note to readers: We begin our series on feminist parenting with a discussion of an obstacle many women face as they decide whether or not to even try to become mothers - finding health insurance that will make pregnancy and giving birth affordable. The following article was written by Maggie of Of Counsel, who we are honored to have as a guest today.]

Most women are going to reach a point in their lives when they have to start thinking seriously about having a kid, whether intentionally or not. You look at your boyfriend, you think, “What would I do? What would he do?” You probably make a plan, just in case. You talk to your partner about whether and when and how. There are a lot of things to think about, even in the abstract. I’ve gone through this chain of thought before. I still do it now. But one thing that never occurred to me is how I would pay for it. And it seems I'm not the only one.

At some point, you have that double-take moment when you realize that health insurance doesn't necessarily mean you're taken care of, whether it's when you pick up a prescription or end up in the hospital. I lived a charmed life for a long time as far as health insurance is concerned. I was covered by my parents, then through my college, then as a government employee. I had good plans, good benefits, and a wide selection of doctors. Things changed for me in the last couple years, and I know I’m not the only one. I left government work and moved into a small office. I was lucky, they were one of the few small businesses that provide insurance for you at no expense. But my next job had no benefits at all. This meant I had to choose between finding an independent plan on my own or waiting for the enrollment period to join my husband’s very expensive plan.

I searched online, found a private plan with a surprisingly low deductible and co-pays that were about the same as what I’d paid in previous plans. I got a decent rate and signed on. It took a few weeks to get my full explanation of benefits, and it was during a perusal of it that I got to reading closely their information on maternity coverage. I’d been careful to choose a plan that provided maternity coverage, many don’t cover it at all. But there was fine print. No maternity benefits at all for the first twelve months, regardless of when the pregnancy starts. And after the first twelve months, I could only get maternity benefits if I had a family contract, meaning I had to have some other dependent on my plan, such as a child, spouse, or domestic partner. Otherwise I would have to apply for and pay extra for a maternity rider, which would still only kick in after those 12 months.

I had to wonder, why all the hoops? Whether it’s a boyfriend or a husband, joining a health insurance policy as a domestic partner seems like a pretty big decision. Moving back and forth between insurance plans isn't something you do lightly and it involves a lot of factors. I was in no position to add my husband to my plan. Worse, I wondered what I would do if he wasn't my husband. What if he wasn't around at all?

You may be thinking this isn’t legal, but it is. In 1978, the Pregnancy Discrimination Act required business with 15 or more employees to have health insurance with maternity coverage. But it doesn't cover individual plans like mine. It also may not cover a dependent spouse. And I’m not alone, approximately 9% of people in the US have these insurance plans that aren’t provided by their employers. That’s not counting the 15% of people who are uninsured. (Stats come care of the US census.) If you're already pregnant and are looking for coverage, you'll be denied. Pregnancy is generally considered one of those nasty "pre-existing conditions."

I had to wonder, when I ran into this problem, why it wasn't something I'd heard anyone talk about before. There are plenty of problems with health care today and plenty of talk about what to do, so why aren't we talking about this issue? My first look was to the presidential candidates. Obama's plan provides guaranteed maternity care for all insurance plans, though it's unclear if there would be limitations. As for McCain, for all my reading and googling, I haven't yet found any mention in McCain's health care plan on maternity coverage, but I have serious doubts. His plan is in favor of letting insurance companies compete in the marketplace, but there are concerns that this would lead to the exact kind of problems we're seeing in these individual plans. What if you pick a plan that's great for you without checking the maternity coverage? A March of Dimes study found that giving tax credits for coverage, as in the McCain plan, wouldn't actually help more women get covered.

The infant mortality rate hasn't fallen since 2000, instead the U.S. is holding steady. According to the CDC, only 84% of expectant mothers saw a doctor in their first trimester in 2005. 3.5% had late or no care. A study in 1996 found that women who aren't insured are 3 times more likely to go without doctor visits during the year they gave birth. In 1999, over 400,000 women were pregnant and didn't have health insurance. In 2001, 28% of uninsured people were women of childbearing age. (These stats from the March of Dimes report.) But I have to wonder about women who may not be reflected in these statistics: those who see their doctor, but limit their visits to their doctor because they can't afford to pay for more than a handful of them.

Just in terms of health, this kind of approach makes no sense. A woman who doesn't receive appropriate pre-natal care would present more of a health risk to her insurer both through herself and her child. Even the policies that cover maternity benefits have a tendency to limit their payouts to only a limited number of doctor visits or a limited amount of benefits. A study by the Kaiser Family Foundation looked at the potential expenses paid out-of-pocket by mothers with different insurance policies in three different types of pregnancies. Even a mother in a normal pregnancy and delivery with no complications could pay nearly $8,000 under certain individual policies providing maternity coverage. A c-section under the same plan goes up to nearly $10,000. A pregnancy with complications takes you over $20,000. Of course, none of these would apply to me if I got pregnant tomorrow, I'd be paying every penny myself.

If you consider yourself out of danger in a good policy, make sure you check all the details. The complications that go with insuring a pregnancy are seemingly limitless. What if during your c-section, the anesthesiologist on-call happens to be out-of-network? Plan to pay for it. What if your pregnancy doesn't all happen within the same calendar year, but spans two? That's a whole new deductible you'll have to start chipping away at. What is the definition of a "complication" anyway? Your insurance company decides, of course, and don't expect them to tell you in advance. Oh, and if your dependent teenage daughter gets pregnant, they don't cover her costs, either. Plans don't cover much else in the spectrum; many won't cover abortions or artificial insemination. Then there's my plan's discriminatory policy about having a "family contract" to get benefits, which makes it impossible for a woman on her own to get coverage.

It's easy to say anything aimed specifically towards pregnancy is discriminatory, after all it only happens to women. There's no similar condition for men. It will happen to most women at least once in their lifetime. Pregnancy isn't exactly an elective thing, like cosmetic surgery. And it isn't exactly something you get, like an illness. It's something between the two. It can be planned, it can be accidental, but for most of the women in the world, it's a possibility. The fact that there aren't completely effective ways to postpone pregnancy (the pill isn't perfect, ladies) means there is no excuse for an insurance company telling you when they'll let you get pregnant. When treated properly, pregnancy can be a lot less trouble than an illness. It's for a limited time, it's common, and the doctors who work with it are highly specialized. These should be reasons it's fully covered instead of reasons it's not.

We talk a lot about maternity leave in the workplace, a woman's ability to have children when she wants to and have flexible employers. We talk about birth control and abortion and what a woman's rights are when it comes to her body. I think getting proper maternity coverage is something we should be throwing into the mix. We should make it a priority in our country's fight for health care reform. A pregnant woman who wants to stay home with her child may not have that luxury if she'll lose the insurance policy when she leaves her job. And women who plan to work, but whose employers don't give them benefits, are left with no good options for their coverage.

The March of Dimes study I linked to earlier found no easy answers. Making coverage mandatory in individual plans will result in significantly higher premiums, meaning they won't be affordable for many women. They did find that government is going to have to step in to make sure this coverage is available instead of just leaving it to the market. We need to make this an issue at the forefront of our health care reform. We also need to make sure we know exactly what we're getting from our insurance coverage.

As for me, I'm waiting for the enrollment period to join my husband's plan where I'll be spending twice as much per year in premiums alone, and I'll still have to pay 20% of all maternity expenses. But for now, it's the best I can do.

Call for Submissions: Feminist Parenting

On a recent post discussing research that links girls' exposure to unrealistic portrayals of female bodies with "lower self-esteem, decreased psychological well-being... dieting behaviours, obesity and depression," commenter Larry Geater writes:

I try to make my daughter believe that she should be less concerned by her looks and that she is attractive in any case but how does one fight the world?

Larry's question has stuck with me all day. Quite frankly, I don't know what to tell him. As a teacher, I struggle with this on a regular basis - how do I help my students fend-off the constant messages that they should be dissatisfied with their looks and figures? Oddly enough, having gone through periods of self-loathing similar to what I sometimes recognize in my students doesn't seem to make me particularly qualified to help them. How does one fight the world?

So, I've become convinced that we need a new regular segment dedicated to how to help kids avoid the damaging effects of sexism in our society. I'm thinking of beginning with a week-long series on feminist parenting, and I want as many voices involved as possible.

Since The Feminist Underground writers believe that fighting racism, classism, homophobia, ableism, and transphobia are part of modern feminism, we're looking for posts about how you deal with all sorts of dangerous -isms when interacting with the young people in your life. Write what you want, but some ideas include movie and book reviews, personal essays about what your parents did right, and essays about what you've done to help kids cope with the toxic ideas and images about gender, sexual orientation, and race that they're bound to encounter. Send submissions to pobrehabladora (at) gmail (dot) com by next Thursday evening (August 7th)- or just leave us a link to a post you've already written in comments.

We hope to hear from you soon!

(UPDATE: What started as a series has now become a regular feature, so please continue to send submissions if you'd like to be included.)

How To Become A Male Feminist, In 40 Years Or Less

[Note to readers: We are very excited to be able to present, as the last in our series on what it means to be a feminist, this post by DJ Dual Core of DJ Dual Core's Old Mix Tapes. These are his words...]

Thinking about how I came to identify as a feminist I initially thought about a few remarkable college professors that had a big influence on me. Then I realized that I needed to go back a lot farther.

I don't know for sure how old I was, but I had to be between three and six. I was playing outside while my mother worked in the yard. I looked up at her and became very uncomfortable and sad.

I had just realized something. Since my mother was female she was like the women who were hurt by men on TV. I was not. Being a boy, I was like those men.

My mother was vulnerable and I was the kind of person who hurt vulnerable people like her.

I knew, on some level, that I wasn't doomed to be a predator but this did not make everything OK. Like news coverage of the Jonestown suicide I would see a few years later this memory would not just stick with me, but haunt me.

My parents' divorce didn't help. My mother never demonized my father, but putting the pieces together wasn't rocket science. My dad was a jerk and intolerable to be married to. Many years later I would learn that he paid about a third of the child support he agreed to.

My mother's second marriage was another kind of train wreck. So were her subsequent relationships with men. In each case my mother was partly to blame but it was also very clear that she was being used and taken advantage of by a succession of men who thought their behavior was good and right.

At some point my mother started kidding about hating men. On one hand, even as an adolescent, I couldn't blame her because I knew what she had been through. On the other hand, those half joking comments hurt. She was talking about me, or at least whom I was destined to become.

I stumbled into adulthood with those images and facts careening around in my head. As a heterosexual man, carrying around the idea that I somehow posed a threat to the very women I was attracted to was almost as bad as the possibility that my mother really did, on some level, regret having brought another penis into the world. Throughout my twenties, as you might imagine, this internal tension drained a lot of the fun out of the white, heterosexual, male privilege I was otherwise enjoying.

In college I happened to meet a number of very cool feminists. Oddly, contrary to what I had been conditioned to expect, none of the feminists I met hated me. None of them seemed to hate men in general. That is, except for one woman I went to grad school with. I can honestly say she hated men but to be fair, she hated most of the women she knew, too. Again, oddly, she liked me.

Around this same time I noticed that in a lot of the music I listened to women musicians, songwriters and producers were relatively rare. I started to wonder what I missing out on because women were mostly restricted to being vocalists, often singing lyrics written my men. Whatever women might otherwise have had to say in those musical genres wasn't going to be heard. This continues to be true across many types of music. In this regard, we are all being cheated.

At some point, after years of reading and talking and listening, I decided that I was a supporter of feminism. Feminism, as I understood it, fit with what I had come to believe not only about gender roles but also about race and class. It fit with what I had come to believe about the relationship between the personal and the political. It fit with what I felt I should be doing to work for justice. It fit with what my conscience told me about how I should treat people.

For some time I didn't call myself a feminist because I wasn't clear on what it would mean for a man to make that claim. Would it be presumptuous, as though I was claiming to know what it was like to be a woman in our culture? So I asked the feminist I know best, the one I am married to.

"Can a man be a feminist?"
"Sure."
"Would you consider me a feminist?"
"Do you believe in justice and fairness for everybody?"
"Yes."
"You're a feminist."

Then we finished setting the table together and ate dinner.

[Crossposted at DJ Dual Core's Old Mix Tapes - please leave questions and comments there]

Feminism 101: A Life-Long Lesson

[Note to readers: Today, as part of our continuing series 'feminists on feminism,' we are honored to have Feminist Gal from Oh, You're a FEMINIST?! as a guest blogger. These are her words...]

Question #1. What is your definition of feminism:
I wrote a post back when I started blogging where I tried to define MY feminism along with some of the feminist identities out there. Here is what I came up with for MY feminism:

I identify with feminism because of its commitment to social, political and economic equality for all people. Regarding women specifically, my feminism allows me to: be independent, while depending on those I love; be flirty and "girly" whenever I want, without it compromising how people view my intelligence or sexual freedom; exercise, for me, for my body, for my health and strength, not to fit a status quo of beauty; stand firm for what I believe in, and not be called too masculine or a bitch. My feminism does not discount the differences between men and women, but strongly believes that these differences are either a product of, or exaggerated by, socialization. My feminism values men because it values equality. My feminism is anti "isms." It seeks to end the discrimination of people on the basis of sex, age, race, social class, religion, sexual orientation, etc. Oh, and my feminism is always changing, because like the waves of change flow through society and politics, feminism needs to be fluid to reflect the needs of the world.

I also quoted Rebecca West who is just as remarkably relevant now as she was in 1913, "I myself have never been able to find out precisely what feminism is: I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute..."

Question #2: my "click" moment with feminism:
I definitely came to my feminist identity through academia. Recognizing and admitting to my own privilege (even getting the opportunity to go to college) was a huge part of that. When I get my ph.d. i'll be the first doctor in my family, and that's really something, ya know? My parents gave up a lot when they immigrated our family to America and I value that and realize the privilege that goes along with that. My feminism grew with my understanding of women's studies, feminist theory, and psychology.

As I developed my own ideas, away from those of my family, I came to understand the necessity of equality, of social justice, and of change. I also started realizing that "tolerance" wasn't enough. We need to celebrate diversity and learn from each other, not just "tolerate" one another. I quickly understood that there is no way to achieve equal rights until the basis for those rights is a mutual respect and value for each other. So my feminism developed from there. And it was fostered by amazing professors and mentors along the way who I love and thank for all they've done. Some of whom include Marita McComiskey, Dawn Goode, JoAnne Lewis and Mary Crawford. I don't think they know the extent of the impression they've made on me and on my life. I'm glad for this space in which to thank them, even though I doubt they'll ever read it :)

I had no "ah ha!" or "click" moment with feminism. It was a combination of experiences, opportunities, and lessons I learned in and outside the classroom in college. However, it was definitely my first WS class, taught by Dawn, who was then a grad student, that opened my eyes to the world of feminism. That class was the start of something that continues to change my life now and allows me to change others' lives.

The answer to question #3 will have to be a cliff hanger because Professor What If and I are working on an activism in/after college post together so stay tuned for that on our blogs :)

UPDATE FROM HABLADORA: The 'activism after college' posts that Feminist Gal references can (and should) be read here and here.

Definitions of Feminism, Penned by Feminists

PC:
Feminism is power - the power to be the best me I am capable of being. It is the power to try anything my skill set will allow me to try without anyone's telling me, based on my sex, what that is. It is the power to be a full member of the human race.

DJ Dual Core of DJ Dual Core's Old Mixed Tapes:
...at the core of feminism we find the idea that women, as a group, are treated unjustly relative to men and that this should change... You either believe that or you don't. If you do, you are are a feminist. If not, you are not. (more here)

Valerie Connors, President of Circle K International, University of South Florida Sarasota-Manatee:
...feminism is about women having the freedom to make the same choices as men. It's about lifting that oppressively low ceiling that so many women bump their heads on way too often. It's about women being able to feel safe in and out of their homes. And finally, it's about men and women truly respecting and loving each other. (more here and here)

Earlgreyrooibos of This is What a Feminist Blogs Like:
Feminism means recognizing that the way society is set up is not equal, and that the reasons for those inequalities can run deep, stretching across class, gender, and individual beliefs. In addition, feminism is about extended critical thinking beyond one’s own personal experience. Feminism is not an individualist, everyone-for-themselves movement... Feminism requires that we try to understand everyone’s perspectives. (more here)

Veronica of Viva La Feminista:
My definition is that feminism is a political movement where women and men seek equality and equity in society between women and men. Equal pay for equal work. Equal opportunities.

Feminist Gal of Oh, You're a FEMINIST?!:
I absolutely agree with Jessica Valenti on this one and say that my feminism is the social, political, and economic equality for women (more here)

Newscat, quoting Amanda Marcotte of Pandagon:
Feminism is "...an idea, not a movement... It’s really a very simple idea, the idea that men and women are equals and should be treated as equals. How you interpret that is always going to be dependent on your other beliefs, interests, and ideas."

Dr. W. of Professor, What If?:
Charlotte Bunch’s argument that feminism is “an entire worldview or gestalt, not just a laundry list of ‘women’s issues’ is another favorite of mine. As Bunch argues, “Feminist theory provides basis for understanding every area of our lives, and a feminist perspective can affect the world politically, culturally, economically, and spiritually.” Yes, it certainly can. And once you re-place your feminist lenses stolen from you by the culture/society/history/institutional white supremacist heteronormative imperialist patriarchal matrix that defines ‘reality,’ you will never look at the world in the same way again. (more here)

Habladora:

Feminism is the effort to save both genders from the sexual stereotypes that have traditionally limited them.

Mächtige Maus:
Feminism is challenging the antiquated notion of patriarchy.

We'd love to have more definitions, so if you don't see one that fits, leave it in the comments!

UPDATE: Here are a couple of definitions from late-comers that are not-to-be-missed:

Daedalus:
In my view, I see the objective of feminism to allow women complete self-determination, and that there is nothing anti-male about that. If a man wants to interact with a woman, he has to be willing to do it on her terms without lying and without coercion or threats of coercion implicit or explicit. The same is true for men, complete self-determination. If a woman wants to interact with a man, she has to do it on his terms too, but those terms can't include coercion.

Carla:
bell hooks got it right. Feminism, the political movement to end sexism.

I spell it out in three parts:
1) Acknowledging the history of and current effects of sexism (ex. pay gap, sexual violence, work-family balance, motherhood penalties,...).
2) Acknowledging that sexism is morally and politically harmful.
3) A commitment to some sort of action to fight sexism.

Defining Feminism

[Note to readers: As part of our series 'Feminists on Feminism,' we are honored to present this post by Earlgreyrooibos from This is What a Feminist Blogs Like. These are her words...]

Feminism is a movement that has always existed. Even though it was often rendered invisible, it existed. Even though people (women and men both) have often attempted to squelch feminism, it carries on. Whether a large-scale reproductive rights protest or an individual spending money at a feminist bookstore, feminism happens. It can be in-your-face, or it can be a secret, silent act of rebellion, the effects of which might not be felt until much later. Women have struggled against gendered workforces, organized religion, and sexist attitudes of family and acquaintances. This struggle has been happening for centuries, even when it did not have the name of “feminism.” The conflicts may not ever be resolved, but that does not mean that women will give up; after all, we’ve been at it for this long. We’re not going to stop now.

Feminism isn’t about giving birth at home with a female midwife any more than it is giving birth in the hospital with a male gynecologist. Feminism is about women having access to research they need to make an informed decision about their bodies. Feminism is about being able to have important discussions about your birthing choices with medical professionals, trusted friends/family, and your partner in a supportive environment. Feminism is about women being able to consider all of their options so they can choose what’s best for them.

It’s the same with breastfeeding. Feminism is not about breastfeeding an infant any more than it’s about bottle-feeding because using formula is the ideal way for you to balance out the rest of your life. Feminism, once again, is having access to the resources and suppor that will enable a woman to make the best decision about how to feed her baby based on her body and her non-parenting activities.

Feminism isn’t about women being able to wear pants to work. Feminism is about breaking down gendered ideas about clothing to the point where women can wear pants and men can wear skirts. I know that goal might not ever be achieved in my lifetime, but I think it’s important to consider something seemingly benign, like pants and skirts, and consider the gender assumptions behind them.

Feminism means recognizing that the way society is set up is not equal, and that the reasons for those inequalities can run deep, stretching across class, gender, and individual beliefs. In addition, feminism is about extended critical thinking beyond one’s own personal experience. Feminism is not an individualist, everyone-for-themselves movement. Feminism means looking beyond your front door to see the ways in which inequality affects women all over the world. Feminism means taking a stance on both international and local issues. But it also requires using one’s critical thinking skill to prevent oneself from being patronizing, and to force your cultural values on another. Feminism requires that we try to understand everyone’s perspectives.

But while it’s not an individualistic cause, feminism is about protection. Knowing how to and being able to protect yourself from STDs and unwanted pregnancy. Knowing how to protect yourself from battery and rape. Knowing how to protect yourself from an unhealthy lifestyle. Knowing how to protect yourself from people who don’t support you, and only seek to cut you down.

Feminism is a philosophy that you have to practice every day. You’re not just a feminist when you’re protesting. You’re not just a feminist when you’re reading Gloria Steinem or Inga Muscio or Virginia Woolf or bell hooks or Audre Lorde or Susan Faludi or Alice Walker or Sappho. You’re not just a feminist when you’re blogging, or when you’re wearing your “This is What a Feminist Looks Like” t-shirt. You are a feminist every moment of your life, and your interpretation of feminism should inform even practices that seem non-feminist. That might mean supporting food co-ops rather than grocery stores. That might mean seeking out only pro-woman/feminist sex shops. That might mean not watching certain television programs or reading certain websites. It’s not just what you say or think or study; it’s how those ideas inform the practice of living. You’re a feminist 24/7/365.

Finally, feminism is not an end goal in and of itself. Ursula K. LeGuin said that: “It’s good to have a goal of our journey, but it is the journey itself which influences the goal.” Feminism’s end goal means equality for all genders: male, female, transgender. It means equal rights for all people, regardless of race or sexual preference. But those are huge goals, and we don’t know when they will be accomplished. So instead, we need to focus on the feminist journey. We need to take larger definitions of feminism and figure out how they apply to our lives and goals. We need to love exploring feminist thought, and love every battle we fight. We have to be content knowing that each action brings us closer to that goal, even though we don’t know how far we still have to go. We need to enjoy our journey and allow those journeys to change us. Because feminism is not static. The feminism of today is not the feminism of 100 years ago or 1,000 years ago. We need to change with feminism, and help feminism change, even though the basic goal of equality remains the same.

[Crossposted at This is What a Feminist Blogs Like - please leave comments and questions there]

What if one is not born, but rather becomes, a non-feminist?

[Note to readers: As our series 'Feminists on Feminism' continues, we are very lucky to be able to include this post by Dr. W. of Professor, What If...? These are her words...]

As Simone De Beauvoir, in The Second Sex, notes, “One is not born, but rather becomes, a woman.” But, in the case of feminists, I think they are actually born and then ‘unmade.’ I doubt girls are born feeling they are ‘naturally defective’ as Aristotle argues they are. Likewise, I doubt boys are born feeling they are the superior sex. Rather, one is ‘made’ into a woman (and distanced from being a feminist) via a constant onslaught of messages that define one as the Other. One is ‘made’ into a man via living and breathing in a society that perpetuates male privileges. (for more on male privilege see here and here) Thus, this making into ‘woman’ and ‘man’ is societally constructed and maintained.

Bodies do not come in only two varieties although we like to act as if they do. Nor do they come in only feminine-women and masculine-men versions. If we did not learn before we even left the womb that woman are the secondary sex, perhaps we would not have to talk about ‘click moment’s’ with feminism because we would all still be feminists!

Although I am a card-carrying social constructionist, I think being a feminist may be one of the most natural identities - perhaps that is why they try to beat it out of us so hard! Is it such a stretch to think that humans might be born feeling they are not better or worse than any other human but equally deserving?

I have long joked that I was born a feminist as I can’t recall any one click moment, but a series of battles, arguments, and feelings of “what the f is wrong with this world” as I grew up. From questioning the unfairness of class inequality and the exploitation of migrant workers during elementary school (I lived in a migrant farming town divided along class/color lines) to wondering why I wasn’t supposed to play with ‘those Mexican kids,’ I was already flaunting my feminism cred in grade school. I refused to have a different curfew than my brother in high school - didn’t seem to me just because you had a penis you should get to stay out later. To the dropped jaws of my college professors, I wrote feminist essays in every single class, asking why anthropology acted as if the world was made of men only, why literature focused on DWMs (dead white males), and why psychology acted as if the female brain was substandardly different. To the chagrin of my family, I balked at the suggestion that mothering was more important than an academic career and refused to buy into the ‘women are meant to nurture’ crapola that culture hawks at us all the time.

Today, I frustrate my children’s teachers (and my students) by asking them to stop saying ‘you guys’. I hunt down principals and tell them they need to put a stop to the use of homophobic language on the playground. I annoy gym instructors by asking them to change their music selections (call me crazy, but I don’t like to work out to songs glorifying gang rape.) I call out people for their sexism, racism, able-ism, body-hating, xenophobia — and guess what? They don’t like it. I am ‘too opinionated.’ I need to ‘mellow out.’ “Do you always have to talk about feminism” they whine. Well, yeah. It’s like a religion. I live and breathe it every day. It is like nourishment - I would starve without feminism.

There are so many definitions of feminism that I love, it is hard to pick just one. Many of my favorites comes from The Feminist Dictionary by Paula Treichler and Cheris Kramarae.

I agree with Nawal el Saadawi’s claim that “as a radical feminist…you should oppose imperialism, Zionism, feudalism, and inequality between nations, sexes, and classes.” Feminism is not just about sex/gender but about all forms of social inequality and oppression/privilege.

I also like Peggy Kornegger’s description of feminism as “A many-headed monster which cannot be destroyed by singular decapitation.” Guess what crazy feminist hating trolls? You can’t kill feminism! It’s a hydra - as soon as you cut of one head, another will grow back. This ‘multiplicty of feminisms’ is another thing I love about feminism. There are so many varieties feminism puts 31 flavors to shame. From anarcha-feminism to eco-feminism to womanism to third wave feminism to radical feminism, each flavor has something yummy. Try them all, pick one, or rotate! Hell, get a quadruple cone of feminism and delight your feminist taste buds!

The Combahee River Collective’s argument that feminism must be “actively committed to struggling against racial, sexual, heterosexual, and class oppression” and seek to develop “integrated analysis and practice based upon the fact that major systems of oppression are interlocking” is another classic. The intersectional approach to feminism is one flavor I cannot live without - it’s my mainstay.

Charlotte Bunch’s argument that feminism is “an entire worldview or gestalt, not just a laundry list of ‘women’s issues’ is another favorite of mine.” As Bunch argues, “Feminst theory provides basis for understanding every area of our lives, and a feminist perspective can affect the world politically, culturally, economically, and spiritually.” Yes, it certainly can. And once you re-place your feminist lenses stolen from you by the culture/society/history/institutional white supremacist heteronormative imperialist patriarchal matrix that defines ‘reality,’ you will never look at the world in the same way again.

See, you were born a feminist, we all were, and if haven’t already done so, please find your way back.

[Crossposted at Professor, What If...? - please leave comments or questions there.]

You Might Be a Feminist Too...

[Note to readers: This week we are running a series of posts that discuss what it means to be a feminist. Today, we are honored to have Sally of Jump Off a Bridge as a guest writer. These are her words...]

For as long as I can remember, I've been a feminist. Before I even knew there was a word to describe what I was and what I believed. So when I found out there was a word, I practically tattooed it on my forehead (hmm… that's not a bad idea).

I've just always thought that men and women should have equal rights. It doesn't matter that there are biological differences. It doesn't matter that history tells us otherwise. We need equal rights and opportunities. Plain and simple.

Because I'm loud and obnoxious about my feminism, I've had quite a number of debates with people who look at me like I'm dirty or dangerous when they hear I'm a feminist. I'll offer my favorite story.

My guy's aunt could barely say the word "feminist" without getting a look on her face like she just swallowed sour milk. I started asking her questions:
Do you have a job?
Yes
Do you believe you should keep the money you make instead of giving it to your father or husband or brother?
Of course
So you consider yourself pretty independent?
Yes
Then, I hate to break it to you, but you're probably a feminist.
No I'm not, just because I keep my own money?
Well, there was a time way back when, when women weren't allowed to keep any money or property. Women had to fight to earn that right.
Really? I never knew that.
Just like they had to fight for the right to get divorced from abusive men, keep their own children, make their way to the top at their jobs.
Well, I knew that, but not everybody wants that.
You're right, but feminism gives you a choice. We didn't have that choice before and now we do. That's why I'm a feminist. I want to keep fighting for all the choices we should have that we don't.

Somewhere around here, my guy came into the convo and said he's a feminist too. This seemed to boggle her mind. We explained that feminism is about men AND women. Sure, we're different. Some differences are biological, some social, some a mixture of the two. But that doesn't mean that gender stereotypes don't hurt us all.

At the end of our little chat, she said "Well… I guess I'm a little bit of a feminist." *sigh* It wasn't a full "conversion," but I think I'd call that a success.

I think being a "good" feminist—or at least the feminist I aspire to be—means actively working towards equality, fighting other social inequalities (racism, sexism, homophobia, etc.), analyzing situations and people with a critical but also open-minded and fair eye, and constantly pushing myself to grow.

I Want to Be Just Like Her: Inspiration, Death, and Rebirth

[Note to readers: This week we are running a series of posts that discuss what feminism means and how it has impacted our lives. Yet, as Dee of Power of Attorney reminds us, how we see the world and what we choose to do during our lives is much more influenced by our loves and our losses than by the particular wording of any philosophy we embrace. If feminism is the belief that women should be allowed to choose for themselves what type of life they will lead, then each woman will practice a feminism as unique as she is, and as unique as the women who have helped form her ideas of what women can be. Today, we are deeply honored to have Dee as a guest writer. These are her words...]

One thing all Jamaicans know is that Jamaica has one of the highest homicide rates per capita in the world. All of us have been touched by crime. While we don't exactly live in fear, we are alert, being aware of the fact that it can happen to anyone at anytime, at any place.

Inspiration

Like many lawyers I have met, I have always wanted to be a lawyer. Not knowing much about the job, I loved to talk, argue, debate - and of course I was right there on Paper Chase and Perry Mason; moreover my mother's best friend was a lawyer. Her children and I went to school together. She was divorced, attractive, independent, sole provider for her two girls and, in my young mind, strong. I loved to see her in her robes and read about her achievements. I thought I wanted to be just like her, and I set out to do it. From day one, I planned to do all the subjects that would get me accepted to the Faculty of Law. I even avoided a year in France just so that I could head-off to study law. To be honest, while a student I wondered whether it was for me, but hey, you can't let nagging doubts get you down - plus it cost a lot.

Death

Eleven years after I was called to the bar - years during which I discovered that practicing law could be a brutal experience, where yes the money could be good but the hours and the colleagues mean and harsh, where lawyers were not necessarily ministers of justice - my mother's best friend was murdered. She was 60 years old. By that time, jaded and disheartened, my husband and I had set up our law practice together, hoping to find the experience more tolerable. This did not make it any easier.

You see, she was killed in her office. She was having lunch and some men who had visited earlier returned and killed her. Her throat was slashed. It was a brutish, brazen and horrid act. I realized later that while she was taking her last breath, I was on a plane to visit my mother. When my aunt called with the news, she couldn't get it out - she was crying and yelling and she hung up the phone. It took some time for me to get what had happened. This remained the situation for quite a while. There were many rumors, including that her death had some connection to politics.

Trial

I didn't go to court once. I read about it in the papers. One of her daughters went everyday. One day, while doing a consultancy, I saw a lady at the door. She said I looked familiar, I replied that she did too and she mentioned my mother's friend's name and stated that she used to work for her. She was there on that fatal day. For the next two hours, she outlined to me what had happened; how she observed the men when they made the first visit, how she inquired of them their business, how she herself ran in another office and the murders tried to beat down the door, how she called the police, how the secretary wouldn't let the screaming staff members leave the lunch room, how the secretary watched, how her boss tried valiantly to rush to the medical centre next door while holding her slashed neck in vain, hos the secretary had stolen from her boss, how the secretary held her by the collar and yelled, YOU YOU YOU when the police arrived, how she gave evidence for the prosecution, how one of the accused lunged at her in court.

Everybody has a right to legal representation, but for a few days these brutes who were innocent until proven guilty had a problem. No lawyer wanted to defend them.

Verdict

Guilty! The taxi driver who took them to and from the office, one of the men who entered her office, and the secretary were all found guilty. The other man who had entered her office had escaped!!! He was subsequently killed while at his girlfriend's home. His killer was a lone gunman, the weapon, a single bullet from a gun. The secretary has since appealed to the Privy Council.

Rebirth

Life went on. In the ensuing months and year, she was often in our minds, We made sure to keep the office doors locked, we vetted our clients, we kept staff to the bare minimum, we called no threat empty. One of her old clients came to me and, after going through the file, I still managed to learn something new. She knew her stuff and was teaching me though she had gone. I remember how she stood up for me deadly calm, as she represented my mother in a suit against my father for child support, I remember her devotion to her daughters, her love of beautiful things, her beautiful home, her stylish dress, her calm disposition, her thrill as she purchased an old country home which she renovated. I remember the parties she held there. I remember the last time, watching her peel an orange for me and thinking that the knife looked so sharp. I remember that she was killed by hands holding a knife. I remember how she never seemed to shout, get angry, or sweat the small stuff' she always seemed so cool. When I remember how she loved life and how she had the courage to shape her world and live the life of her dreams, I still think that I want to be just like her.

My Feminism: Theory and Practice

[Note to readers: Last week we asked for some feminist definitions of feminism, and for readers' personal stories about how feminism has played a part in their lives. Today, we are honored to have Amelia of Female Impersonator as a guest writer. These are her words...]

As far as my definition of feminism goes, it's been really hard to come up with. When I first began calling myself a feminist during my first term at college (Fall 2007), my boyfriend had a really hard time understanding. We had several difficult discussions in which he asked me to explain what feminism was so he could better understand where I was coming from. I finally got through to him by explaining that feminism, for me, was a general understanding that women suffer many inequalities that do not exist for men because of the society that we live in which has been structured in many ways to favor men. I then explained that the way in which I practice feminism is by recognizing those instances in which people, the government, the media, etc. treat women unjustly and I call them out for it because no change will come if people are so used to sexism that they don't even notice it. I feel as if true equality cannot come about if our society does not first recognize that their are inequalities and decide how to address them. That is all feminism is about - equality. And true equality certainly isn't going to come about if we merely put a band-aid on the problem of sexism and pretend its all better. As a feminist, I try to dig out the problems in our society and bring them to the surface so they can be properly addressed.

Some of the ways I practice feminism in my life:

This post is a little illustration of how I practice feminism in my daily life by recognizing misogyny in everyday media, like the music that I constantly listen to. I realized, while writing this post, that although some of the songs by this band (Nickelback) clearly were offensive and sexist, others were less so. I had a difficult time critiquing them because I like their music, which hurts me as a feminist because I know it's not always respectful.

I also try to fight misogyny in the media by refusing to purchase "women's" magazines which I feel are damaging to women's self-esteem and confidence. My action project for my first gender and women's studies class involved this idea.

I also call out other media, like television shows or websites, that are sexist (here and here). When I do that, I get a lot of negative responses, like people think I am acting superior to them because they like those shows. Even when I try to explain why I won't watch certain shows, people often choose to ignore me out of spite for my supposed superiority complex. That has led to a lot of conflict in myself - Can a feminist like some misogynist media and really call him/herself a feminist? I have decided that that is indeed possible, as long as one does not passively accept the misogyny and is able to identify and recognize it.

I also practice feminism on a slightly less-than-daily basis when I am in school by doing a feminist radio hour during which my co-host (Kate, from the Female Impersonator blog) and I talk about feminism and try to get casual radio listeners involved in discussing the sexism that exists around us everyday. This has been a really empowering experience for me so far because I have had numerous fellow students tell me that they listened to our radio show and they were enlightened about many of the problems that still exist in our society when it comes to gender equality. The same can be said about blogging, which is a big way in which I practice feminism in my life.

[Cross-posted at Female Impersonator]

Last Call: Feminism Definitions

Last Sunday, in response to some mean-spirited definitions of feminism over at Urban Dictionary, we asked readers to send us any of the following:

1. Your definition of feminism
2. A post on how you came to call yourself a feminist, or your 'click moment' with feminism
3. A discussion of how you practice feminism in your daily life, and how others respond
4. Links to posts you've already written about any of the above

I'm really excited by what we've gotten so far, and it looks like we'll be able to run a series of fascinating posts by guest bloggers next week, along with a list of feminism definitions. There is still time to add your thoughts, though! Send your definition or your post to pobrehabladora [at] gmail [dot] com by this evening to be included in next week's series of feminists on feminism.

This is last call!

Call for Submissions: Feminism Definitions

It's awkward to admit now, but definitions of feminism penned by anti-feminists used to make me shy away from the word. My ideas were clearly feminist ideas, but I worried that the term was so widely misunderstood as to make it useless. Conversations about my (feminist!) ideals often went something like this:

Dude: "So, what are you - like, a feminist or something?"
Me: "I believe in liberating both sexes from the gender stereotypes that limit them, and I think that a lot more needs to be done to ensure equal rights and opportunities for women."

Of course, those lines pretty much define my feminism, and it only took two days of working at my university's Women's Center before I learned to openly embrace the word. I have since come to believe that attempts to discredit the term feminism are generally used to silence those who notice sexism in our societies and those who work to make things more equitable.

Perhaps memories of my past reluctance to claim the appropriate term for my philosophies added to the sting I felt when reading the definitions of feminism over at Urban Dictionary last week, but the vitriol I saw there really threw me into a funk. Based on the UD rants and recent media uses of the word, it seems like attacks on feminism and its values have gained force in recent years. I worry that younger generations of women will face even more resistance to both the word and the values it implies if we continue to allow feminist to be used as a synonym for words like harpy and misandrist.

So, I'd like to come up with some more useful definitions of feminism than the ones over at UD, and I'd like your help. I'm hoping to gather some feminist readings of feminism, and some feminist perspectives on what it means to be a feminist. If you're interested in adding your thoughts, please send any of the following to me at pobrehabladora [at] gmail [dot] com by next Thursday evening:

1. Your definition of feminism
2. A post on how you came to call yourself a feminist, or your 'click moment' with feminism
3. How you practice feminism in your daily life, and how others respond
4. Links to posts you've already written about any of the above

Depending on what type of responses we get, I'll either do a single post listing definitions or a series of guest posts. Of course, you'll get credit for your words - so please send a byline telling a bit about yourself or a link to your profile or blog. Naturally, feel free to leave your thoughts on any of the above in comments as well.

Remember - send your definitions or posts by the evening of Thursday, June 19th!